Why Allies Are Important

Why are allies so important? Because most days I don’t feel like killing myself, but some days I do.

Work Update………..

The teacher I spoke of on Tuesday came by this morning. She politely asked to speak to me and began apologizing almost immediately upon entering my room. I thanked her and apologized as well. She was quite concerned and confused so I took a deep breath and explained the bigger picture, all of it, down to the lounge conversation about transgender health care rights that took place 3-4 years ago.

We talked for about ten minutes, trying as much as possible to clear the air and see eye to eye. Which can be difficult with both of us on different sides of issues such as transgender rights. What impressed me the most was that she asked to be educated after admitting that she did not have a good understanding of the transgender community.

What depressed me the most was that yesterday while working with my therapist I realized I don’t think I have the ability to remain emotionally detached right now when it comes to transgender issues. I am honestly at a spot where I am really struggling with my mental health. While I have never attempted suicide, it is scary how often I contemplate it. And just admitting that I think about it is terrifying as well.

Thus sadly when the teacher expressed interest in being educated I had to apologize and admit that I am not in a healthy place to be able to educate. She wants to grapple with the issues. She wants to explain her point of view. She wants to argue, and ultimately she wants to possibly change her mind. I do believe she wants to change her mind, but not without good reason to. Not without being convinced. My sheer existence and example of living and working has taught her much apparently and I think she is almost ready. I told her that sadly I would not be in a healthy mental spot to help her for another 2 or 3 years, without potentially ending up in tears.

This is kind of the hard thing that insurance plans like mine create. It falls on our shoulders to pay for our own care and educate the public at the same time as to why that is really really harsh.

*** So why won’t I feel up to the educational task for another 2-3 years? Well I thought I was until I realized recently just how emotionally on the edge of things I truly am. Mainly this is because at this point in my transition I can finally admit how deeply I hate a certain part of my anatomy. Thus with that admittance comes lots of understanding of how miserable I am most of the time, simply because of my body. Oh and the joy of realizing also that is what I have been feeling for pretty much my entire life. Lovely. Okay if you have not been keeping up, I will be getting that taken care of, out of my own pocket, in June of 2022. Generally speaking it will take about a year or so after that to be basically out of recovery, if there are no large complications. Okay, then at that point I can hopefully have my gender dysphoria so minimized that it no longer is something that haunts me. That’s kind of the point of a transition. While many of you think I have completed my transition simply because I now appear as me, the reality is that it is more like I am in the middle of this thing feeling as though I am desperately fighting for my life. I WILL survive this thing called dysphoria and I will be better for admitting my reality and working through all of this. But just not yet. Almost, but not yet. So please have some patience and understanding.

K? Thanks! Love you!