I got a super nice letter the other day. Unlike most of my blogging I actually respond to my emails in a fairly timely manner, lol! I thought y’all might be interested so here you go……
You are so successful, confident and beautiful, I hope you have a moment to straighten me out. Im _____ 26 male. I am so naturally feminine, my interests, my mannerisms and in many ways my physical appearance. I literally ache inside with the desire to be a girl, I think I need a kick in the butt. I know I need to start hormones and come out to my family, but I’m afraid to take the leap. I know I need to be dressing female as well, I feel like im denying myself of my dreams. Please help me find the courage to be the girl I know I am. My affirmation person I talk to says ive wasted years that I should have been female. But I think I value your opinion and experience more. Any help is appreciated . A couple questions if you can:
1 should I feminize my room?
2 do you reccomend feminization hyonosis?
3 will estrogen help me be more attracted to men? Right now I’m only attracted to male genitals. I want to love the whole male.
Please help,
Hi ______________ –
Thanks for writing and thanks for the lovely compliments. You are very kind to me and I appreciate it. I hope I can return the favor and offer you some assistance.
As far as your questions go:
1 – should you feminize your room? Sure, it couldn’t hurt. But be aware that there is no one set thing that equates to a feminine room. The only thing that makes a room a feminine room is that it is occupied by someone who considers themselves to be feminine. Lol I know, that really means your room could look like anything and still be feminine. But I don’t think that is what you are thinking. I think you are thinking along the lines of having a room that is stereotypically more feminine, meaning, pink with frills and dolls, and stuffed animals and a Barbie Dream House with her little Barbie Corvette parked out front. You could for sure do that, but prior to that would be that whole courage about being the girl that you know you are bit.
2 – I personally cannot recommend or not recommend hypnosis as I have zero experience with it at all. Do I think it could be beneficial? Maybe? But if so, I think it might help one to find the ability to be courageous to be themselves. Whatever or whoever that “self” may be.
3 – I didn’t actually send this answer in the email to you as I totally missed this question prior to posting this up here at my blog, sorry about that. I have no idea of how changes with your hormones will affect your sexuality. I personally have only ever been attracted to women and I continue to be solely attracted to women. Who knows what the future may bring for me though? I don’t. I think this is how I was born and it won’t change, but I’ve thought that about lots of things, and now I’ve got boobs, lol!
Alrighty then, now to your real issue, “please help me find the courage to be the girl I know that I am. Yeah, that is no small issue. That is the whole kit and caboodle shall we say. Like does the room or hypnosis really matter compared to this? You say you need to change your hormones and come out to people, so you clearly are aware of what needs to be done. But as you say you are afraid to take the leap and you think you need someone to kick you in the butt.
Okie, dokie…….. my response to your request is based almost entirely upon your indication that the only thing holding you back is fear. Thus the question really does become what you wrote, how do we find that courage to overcome the fear? I can tell you some things I have used to help me over the years:
1 – Facing it – Fear will only ever grow until you face it and prove you can conquer it. Many times we humans think that by waiting the fear will decrease, or that we will become stronger and more capable of facing the fear. Sorry, in my experience that really just does not happen. When we avoid fear, we do so because it is scary and we are teaching our minds and our bodies that the easiest way to deal with the fear is to not deal with it. Thus by avoiding the fear it will only ever feel more and more fearful, never less. The absolute easiest time to overcome your fears is right now. Right now is the smallest they will ever feel. Tomorrow those fears will only feel bigger, stronger, and more insurmountable.
2 – Chunking it – Break down larger tasks into easier more manageable chunks. Large projects can be overwhelming and the tendency of most is to pair down the expectations and make the outcome smaller. I prefer to break down larger expectations into smaller bits that appear to be less frightening on their own, but will add together to be something huge. So, I didn’t learn to change my voice overnight, but I did make huge changes bit by bit, slowly over time. This idea is mainly used to fool my mind into not worrying about large scale projects and seeing them as just a grouping of easily accomplished mini-tasks.
3 – Support systems – Talking to my people! I have a spouse that I have worked hard to have a relationship that we can talk to each other. That may sound strange but many spouses do not actually speak to each other much about things that are real. I also have a therapist providing gender specific therapy who I have worked with for 3.75 years now. I also worked with a voice coach and life coach for about 2-3 years. Additionally I have cultivated a group of people to be my inner-friend group that are composed of people whose opinions and judgments I value and respect. I use these people to bounce ideas off of and get a variety of thoughts and opinions about myself. The hardest thing about doing this is that you need to be willing to ask the questions you don’t really want to ask, listen to the opinions you don’t really want to hear, and then push yourself to do things that feel very foreign, weird, new, and wrong at first.
4. Science – Science says that about 90-95% of what we humans worry about never actually comes true. That is a mind blower for me! Seriously. Okay so only like 5-10% of our fears will ever become anywhere near real. Wow! That is a huge amount of worry for absolutely nothing. Well then why do we do that sort of thing to ourselves? I dunno. We like to beat ourselves up? It’s fun for humans to build a world of insecurities around ourselves to pummel ourselves with while we are feeling down? I think that sometimes, somethings happen that makes us think bad things. We slowly reinforce them, and those thoughts become habits and patterns that we repeat because they feel familiar and not because they are bringing us what we want out of life. It is up to us to stop those patterns and break the cycles of fear of our own doom.
5. Repetition – Often things will remain fearful after trying them once or twice, or even a dozen or two dozen times, lol! But sometimes that is due to a variety of differing circumstances. How do we ever become comfortable with the shifting nature of things? Repetition. Do it over and over, in as many ways as you can think of. I was terrified to start going out as me. Thus I pushed myself to overcome my fears and then to start doing it over and over and over, in as many different ways and places that I could come up with. I went to movies, museums, over and over and over initially. Why? I could, so I did. I didn’t think I could go other places without being “clocked.” What I had to do was prove that I was wrong by doing it over and over and over and over, again and again and again. Over time those actions become more natural than not. As simple as at first wearing a bra felt weird, now it feels weird to go without one. Why? Because my boobs are so huge? lol, no! It is because I’ve worn one now almost daily for about 3-4 years. That’s all, just the repetition of doing it has made it feel natural.
Okay, I think I have exhausted my supply of useful info on conquering fear. Please do not get caught up in thinking that there is anything out there that will ever make it easier to overcome fear. It is a lifestyle choice. We as humans can chose to live in fear, or chose to prove our fears wrong. As well, even though some may be help you overcome fears, understand that overcoming fears is a deeply personal battle. Everyone can learn to do this. Everyone can be taught grit.
Oh, that reminds me, I will say that in overcoming fear some words I have found helpful to strive for are: time, effort, energy, persistence, determination, and grit.
I think every CAN do these things I know not everyone WILL do these things.
We are our own best warriors or our own worst enemies.
Which path will you take? The path of light or the path of dark?
Good luck and my best wishes for you and yours!
Thanks,
Kelly
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