My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb. It is so super sad. I haven’t really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas. I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas. Apparently it was a moving event for me. Somethings I expected, other’s I did not.
What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward. I have written about them quite often here. They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to. They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me. They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.
And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call? Did I text? Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay? Not really. Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn’t there.
But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about. And for that, I am so sorry. I don’t know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!
And today was the day, while reading my therapist’s post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit! That is exactly where I am. I am totally numb to mass killings. Wow, that is so sick! I mean even this past weekend’s horrors, I was just like, hmm…. well…. yup…. that’ll happen. Wow, that is so fucked!
I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations. Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can. It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?
I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them. Not cool that I didn’t. So not cool. I’m pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world. True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events.
Love you Vivian and Edward.
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Nadine, please do not beat yourself for the way you feel. That is simply you. Rational thought plays or should play a part in making a decision about an incident that doesn't involve you directly. There is time for thought. You may have subconsciously run through the criteria for calling your Las Vegas friends and determined that the chances that they were involved were slim to none.
When I read about incidents like this, I feel almost nothing other than wondering about what was going through that criminal mind. I would dearly love to know the thoughts of someone who kills random innocents to assuage some grudge that they hold against their employer, the government, the world or whatever. Why would you kill people who are not the direct objects of your hate? That is what I often puzzle over.
If I have no direct connection to the victims, I feel nothing other than a passing sadness because it simply doesn't involve me. When I have a personal connection to the victim(s) in some fashion such as involvement with our particular issues, I feel deep sadness to the point of crying for people that I simply do not know. I would be an emotional train wreck rather than just a train wreck if I did this for everyone or thing.
I am fortunate I think in having a somewhat analytical mind and can maintain a healthy (YMMV) detachment from most tragic incidents because I simply want to know "why?". I cannot afford to allow myself to become too emotionally involved with such things for fear that it would push my fragile psyche beyond it's limits. I think that I would have made a good air crash investigator. 😉
Don't beat yourself up. Give your friends hugs or call them when you think of them – not because you feel obligated to.
Hugs,
Tanit