I read a quote the other day that perfectly describes my wife:
Startling as it is, all of these feelings and more can live inside someone whom, to you, seems like the most brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate human being you know.
Uhm, yup, that is a quote about Jodie. Well most of you don’t know about what that first part might be referring to, but I do. Other than that, that last part, about being brilliant and such, yeah, that’s how everyone see’s her.
By the way, where did I read that quote?
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd
That link leads to a site that is describing Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD.) A variety of different influences led me to reading it, but primarily it is my endless drive to try and find the help for my wife that she needs.
Wait, what, Jodie needs help? Yes Jodie needs help. No, it is not for anything having to do with being the spouse of a transgender human. I know, that is shocking to me also, but the world does not revolve around me and my transition.
Sadly, pretty much everybody thinks they are offering my wife great support. However, what they often tell her is how great she is for being with me. They talk to her all the time about me, my fabulous clothing choices, just how amazed they are by my transition, and feel that she is the one to go to ask about questions about me. The issue with all of this is that in a way she, as many spouses of transitioning transgender people are, is being placed into a position of only being relevant in relation to me and my transition.
I know that nobody is purposefully doing that, however I do know that it is happening. When people have observed Jodie as having any difficulties with anything, they assume the stress of my transition is what is weighing heavily upon her. This was exemplified by her being on a knee scooter for 6 months when I first transitioned and typically the first and only thing anyone talked to her about was my transition. They even joked with her that the knee scooter most be so fun, and they were so jealous. Ever been on a knee scooter? Uh, not fun! Since my transition has been so prominent in people’s minds as Jodie’s only concern in life she has begun to inform people that her difficulties with her current emotional wellbeing has nothing to do with my transition. And even upon hearing that, they respond with “well are you sure that this isn’t related to Kelly’s transition? I mean that is a pretty big thing, are you sure you have considered everything about that?”
Well intentioned, but unfortunately off base. I know how hard it is to understand, but Jodie and I have worked out the vast majority of issues surrounding my transition. While many of you were kept in the dark about my gender issues, Jodie has always been on the front lines. She has often known about things long before I was ever willing to accept them. Yes, we struggled. Yes it was hard. Yes it almost cost us our marriage on many occasions. However, my transition is not what is at issue here, and I cannot seem to emphasize that enough.
I am not speaking of every spouse of every transgender person, I am speaking solely of my own wife and her own concerns. The worst thing about my transition for my spouse is her loss of support for her as an individual. An individual that has her own needs and her own concerns, completely and totally independent from me and my transition.
As best as we can determine at this point, Jodie is suffering, and has been suffering for many years, with a relatively new label for a difficult human state of being, Complex PTSD. As open and sharing as I am about me and my life as a transgender human, Jodie has been equally closed off about her and her life. Another shocking thing for people is that I am the keeper of the connections in this relationship. Part of the difficulty with C-PTSD is that is effects how one handles interpersonal relationships. Thus I am normally the one that has somehow found it within her to continue to reach out to people. It is with a hopeful heart that she will allow me to publish this piece of writing. Maybe if I can speak for her then people who do truly care about her can maybe finally understand and be able to offer a helping hand with her and her personal needs.
On the surface, it may seem like PTSD and Complex PTSD are none too dissimilar — they both come as the result of something deeply traumatic, they cause flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia, and they can make people live in fear even when they are safe.
Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years. This can include emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuses, domestic violence, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking and other organized rings of abuse, and more. While there are exceptional circumstances where adults develop C-PTSD, it is most often seen in those whose trauma occurred in childhood.
For me, the most difficult aspect of truly understanding what is written above is in pondering what is meant by trauma. That is unfortunately a highly personal thing as what appears to be traumatic to one can be considered to be of no concern to another. I know for me it was traumatic to never develop breasts and to never go bra shopping as a teen. However, that very same thing has caused countless amounts of trauma to many other women who detested that moment in their lives. This is carried into adulthood where a bra brings me comfort and joy yet to others they cannot wait to get that torture device off their bodies!
Trauma is highly personal and it is important to understand that as individuals what is traumatic to us is valid regardless of how it is viewed by anyone else. It is irrelevant to someone else if I don’t think their trauma was really traumatic, because I don’t personally view it as such. Jodie’s trauma is highly personal as well, and not something that I will share, other than to state it was traumatic for her. It did begin happening when she was super young. And it did consume much of her childhood. And it has had lasting impacts into her adult life.
PTSD and C-PTSD can have huge effects on a relationship, gender transition can also have huge effects upon a relationship. Jodie and I, and many others, often ponder how exactly we have managed to stay together for as long as we have. We know that sadly many of you reading this have had first hand seats to our own personal form of insanity that is this relationship. At times it must seem as though we are doomed for eminent failure.
We have thought that very same thing. One of our favorite movies is The Mexican, with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. There a bit that goes like this:
Samantha : [exhales sharply]
Leroy : …… Look, when two people love each other – Totally, TRUTHfully, all the way Love each other – the answer to that question is simple, especially in your case. When do you get to that point where enough is enough? Never… Never
For us, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how hard it has been, somehow we keep coming back to – When is enough enough? Never. We are not sure what the future will bring, but we know that we will face that future together. Our relationship, as many are, has been the hardest and yet the best thing we have ever done and we are working hard together to maintain our connection.
So then, why exactly am I here today doing my usual self of giving out possibly way too much information? Well one of my nicknames is Little Mrs. TMI, so there’s that! But other than that, I would like to help provide clarification, a tiny bit of education, and hopefully help provide a means to understanding of how exactly my wife needs support.
I encourage you to visit these links as they can provide much more clarity and understanding into what C-PTSD is all about.
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd
At this point Jodie has not received an official diagnosis, her therapist is not into labels so much, yet after knowing each other for as long as we have, and slowly trying to fit the pieces together, C-PTSD seems to be the most likely suspect. As such, please try and help me to help support her, for her needs, her issues, her concerns. I love my wife deeply and I am eternally grateful for the help and support she has provided me.
It is through her love and support that I have been able to face my wider community as myself. And in many ways it has taken my entire community to help me be able to be comfortable in my own skin. It has taken me a paid team as well – gender/life therapist, doctor/therapist, voice therapist/therapist, electrologist/therapist. (I use everybody as my therapist!) It is this community support and personal team that I am hoping to help Jodie to create.
Currently Jodie has been working with her fabulous, amazing, and talented therapist for about three years now. We actually both began therapy at the same time. She is also working with two fabulous doctors that are helping her with many of the physical side effects her condition is having on her body. She is experiencing great results in working with her team, but it is also a challenging time as in working through many of these items is causing flair ups and relived experiences of the trauma. This has been incredibly difficult and thus she has begun to seek out the assistance of specialists within trauma therapy. Both EMDR and Brainspotting are therapeutic approaches to handling past trauma and approaches she is researching. Her medical team is taking shape and working nicely.
This incredibly long (sorry WAY too long) piece of writing is to try and help inform our larger community of the needs and concerns my wife has. It honestly has been a piece of cake for me to transition compared to what I have been witness to with Jodie. I’ve got a pretty clear path. Gender transition is fairly well documented these days. Yes there is variation, yes there is struggle, yes this is discrimination, but there is also a freaking handbook to it with clearly outlined guidelines.
For far too many mental health conditions there is not such a clearly outlined path to recovery. It is a long process that can take many twists and turns, ups and downs, and often years of effort. And sadly there is a HUGE social stigma against talking about mental health. When I grew up I knew that people went to therapy, but you certainly never talked about it. I think that one of the reasons that being transgender is so interesting is that in dealing with it directly EVERYBODY became aware of who I really am and what is really going on inside of me.
Being transgender is a very obvious visual thing typically, but mental health conditions? No. They are often not visible. Which is incredibly hard. Fear grows in the darkness. It is bringing things out, to the surface, to face the light, that will ultimately bring us the warmth we are seeking.
My wife is the best person I know. She is strong, kind, funny, compassionate, educated, warm, caring, giving and yet she struggles to see herself the way the rest of the world does. She struggles to feel okay about herself pretty much every minute of every day ever since I have known her. This is a struggle she does not deserve. What she does deserve is support. For her, for her issues, and for her alone.
Love you Bunny!
(Okay hey, if you have read this far into this, damn! I applaud you! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I want to make clear, that when I wrote this piece I did not know if Jodie was going to be okay with publishing it. Ya know that is part of this condition, she is terrified of anyone finding out anything that is going on. It is understandable huh? Hell I was so terrified of coming out as trans. I really didn’t know if I would survive it. I need you to know that yes I shared this with my wife. Yes we talked about it. Yes I revised it. Yes she talked with her therapist about it. Yes we chose the pictures together. Yes I have 100% approval of both her and her therapist to publish this information.)
(Oh last bit – what can you do to help? Reach out to her. Post something here, DM her, email her, call her. But don’t be surprised if it takes time for a response. Trust me Jodie loves it, appreciates it, and needs it but her fears are intense and very difficult to overcome. Have patience, that is what I am trying to ask of myself as well. You all are amazing, fantastic, awesome, kind and loving humans. You have personally allowed me to see a side of humanity that I thought didn’t exist.
The more people I speak with the more it seems that many of us are hiding in fear within our own minds. Fear, shame, and darkness breeds monsters that eat our souls. From someone who is facing her fears daily, remember there is warmth in the light.)
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12 Comments
Thank you both for being the wonderful people you are. Each of us have our history and our own ways of dealing with it. Mine is PTSD from a helicopter wreck so many years ago……
Love one another. This is the glue that binds us❤️
You are super sweet Karen, thank you!!!!
Mental health is one of those sh***y issues that affects soo many people, yet is stigmatized, poorly supported and people don’t know what to say to sufferers, feel awkward, or often don’t even realise there’s a problem.
From personal experience both as a sufferer and carer, it can be a long, bumpy road, but with the right help and support, you can recover to where it’s only part of who you are, and not all of who you are.
Being open is a brave first step, but ultimately helps generate better understanding and support from the people around you; even if it’s only small things, feeling like you’re not alone can make a huge difference.
Wishing Jodie the best – believe in yourself, you are stronger than you realise and you will get to a place where what seems insurmountable today will be something you can manage in future
Trish – thank you so much for your well written and thoughtful reply. I super appreciate it.
What a lovely piece about your wonderful wife Jodie, I wish you both a happy future together
Thanks Steph!
The stigma over mental health is so “crazy” Or perhaps just ignorant? I don’t know but bless you both for putting yourselves out there so people can see what it is. How dealing with it is a positive thing. Ignorance = Fear = Anger. Best regards and keep fighting the good fight.
I think it was Wittgenstein who said “ Whereof we do not know ,thereof we cannot speak“
I come from a generation ,a country ( Scotland) and a culture where people don’t talk about gender/ sexuality very much at all
I think it’s summed up by the fact that it’s almost a compliment if people say “he/she keeps himself to himself”
But when that individual dies ,they then say “ there were loads and loads of people at the funeral” lol
I remember my twin brother said to me “ We had a traumatic childhood”
I replied “ I must have been somewhere else at the time”
And my mother saying “ it’s o.k to talk about the past , just don’t live in it”
So I know nothing about transgender lesbianism or PTSD and can’t express any intelligent opinion
But
I had 56 years of marriage so I do know about love
One day it will be gone and you will wish you had loved twice as hard , and told her twice as often.
PS I see one of your pics showed a pose with a gun and a dead animal.
Do you think humans would be as interested in so-called “ hunting” if the animals could shoot back
Thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you on the lose of loved ones….. once they are gone you will wish you loved them more. That is true of anything living I have actually loved.
Which is interesting that you bring up hunting. Are you animal product free or do you just allow someone else to kill them for you? Or are you one who values different forms of living creatures differently? As in an animal life is somehow more valuable than a plant life? My point is fairly simple….. most things on our planet consume other living things to live, except for those that use photosynthesis. They can convert light into energy, pretty nifty, I am sure there are other living organisms that can feed off of other “non-living” sources, however, we humans are not one of them. We need to feed off of other things that are or were alive. I understand that an animal is often more cute than say a cantaloupe, but death is still death. A cantaloupe produces it’s fruit as it’s opportunity to procreate, and then we eat it! The horror, we scoop out it’s potential babies (seeds) and toss them in the trash to be thrown out like so much garbage.
Life is life, and I respect life. All life.
So, to answer your question, no I don’t think people would hunt if animals had guns also. Now…. do you think people would eat cantaloupe if they were planted in the middle of a mine field?
This resonated with me a lot. I’m newly married and we are fabulously loving and happy. We both had trauma, both long past and fairly recent in my case, and we are healing together. Healing is perhaps never done, but so much progress can be made, that you barely notice the scar. (That is what I’m told anyway)
My wife, Amy often gets those assumptions that one of the biggest challenges she faces is life with a transgender wife. That is probably the number one “Concern” she sees from friends and family. She corrects them and tells them it is one of her greatest advantages. She came from a fairly conservative area of the country where the culture is fairly homogenous, so as you can imagine people are confused by this, notwithstanding. People even make her the “hero” over it, again not really listening to her. The result is she had to distance herself from some of those people, even the well-meaning ones.
I’m tired of being seen as a liability or a project, I’m tired of the fact that she is called on to be an educator of people on all things trans or all things LGTBQ. I’ve largely removed the types where this is necessary from life as well. Truly in the right setting, i don’t mind educating, but it’s hard when people just choose to not get it.
At any rate, your wife and you are awesome and thanks for making this post
Thanks for your thoughts. I wish the best for you and your wife.
I continue pondering all of this…… I really think the issue is that people can relate to my wife better than to me. She is not trans, nor are most. Thus they can relate to her and not me. But in relating to her all they can ponder is what they might do if they were in a similar situation. Which makes me think, even though many appear to be accepting of trans people, they can’t really imagine being with a trans person. Sad really.
I don’t have anything profound or even remotely insightful to offer. I can empathize with anyone who struggles with behavioral health issues, though, because I have struggled with my own. I don’t know their origin…I just know it can be hard. So my heart is with Jodie, with you and with anyone who experiences or lives with such struggles.