I suppose that today is the day that best marks the start to my true transition. Sure there are other dates, like July 3rd, 2017, that is the day that I actually changed my hormones, and that was a huge event for me and the real acceptance of so much. But the date of June 28th, 2018 marked the time at which I decided that everybody was going to finally know me as me. It was something I actually did not decide until the judge’s gavel was mid swing, and when it sounded with a knock on his bench, that was when I knew I would never again pretend to be something I am not, nor have ever been.
Sadly, I have personally been the absolute worst with gendering myself properly since that time. Who else seems to be having a difficult time in gendering me properly? Family, long time friends, and coworkers. Yeah, it sucks. However who genders me properly? Uhm, everyone else. How often do I ever get misgendered by anyone else? Never.
What conclusions can I draw from this data and my own self exploration? I pass well enough as a cis-gender woman that people accept me as such. However, once people are aware of my past, such as family, long-term friends, and coworkers, anyone who finds out I am transgender, and myself, then I think we are dealing with a mindset issue and not my ability to be perceived as a cis-gender woman. I think that for many of us humans when we think of a transgender person who has transitioned we create two separate individuals, one of one gender and one of the other. Our brains then struggle to reconcile this information, and it is that issue that creates the problem with “remembering” to gender someone properly.
Lately I have heard from many people something along the lines of “Well, I am sorry, but I am having a hard time because I knew you as male for SO long.” What I would like to say is that, no, I am the sorry one for having deceived you for so long. Sadly, the longer you have known me the longer this deception, and the harder the reality is for you. And for that I have much sympathy for your position. However that deception has truly been the hardest on me as for awhile I had truly convinced myself it was true. I now know it isn’t true, and never was.
I am female now, and I was female in the past, even if I never showed it to you. I have always been here, I was just way too afraid to show myself. I am not now two people, nor have I ever been two people. Though my presentation has for sure changed over the years, I have always been me, who just happens to be female.
As a teacher one of the things we use to help our students are sentence frames. I have come up with one for all of you lovely folks who care to change your mindset about me. Ready? “Back when I knew Kelly in ___________ (fill in time period) I perceived her as male because she was afraid to tell anyone she had actually been born female.” To help change your mindset about me, you can practice repeating that with filling in the blank appropriate to your situation. It helps because it changes the narrative on who you thought I was.
Some other tips for you:
- stop pronoun jumping, my pronouns are she/her. Use them always. Never say anything as horrific as “back when I knew him he went by (Dead name.) Yes I know I used a different name and lied to you about my gender, well you can stop repeating that lie to yourself anytime now.
- stop pronoun jumping, my pronouns are she/her. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but it is worth repeating. Whenever you refer to me, at any point in my entire lifetime, use she/her. Period. Double period. Triple period.
- Understand that I am female, and I was female, I was born female. I have always known, I just never had things like knowledge, a lexicon, support, role models, therapy, understanding parents, or understanding friends.
- Each and every time I am misgendered it sends me into a tailwind of sadness that makes me sure that what I need is to get a boob job, facial feminization surgery, voice surgery, quit my job, move to an unknown area, and occasionally it makes me want to completely give up as it all appears hopeless.
In my own attempts to change my own mindset, I am in a process of rewriting my own history. Finally I am begging to make sense to myself by making one little change. All of those memories I have filed away have a small error. I am using the find and replace function in my brain, to replace every instance of male with that of female. To that end. I offer up a collection of photographic proof of my history as FEMALE. (The dates and ages are approximate in some cases, but they accurate to within a year or so.)
Understand this, to everyone who knows me and has ever misgendered me, I still appreciate that you are in my life. It is far better than those who have decided that they cannot undertake this challenge in anyway and have chosen to no longer be a part of my life. I know that most of you truly would like to do better and I appreciate that. I hope that you can hear that within this writing I am trying to be loving and helpful, but it is a challenge as my mental health is struggling. This is my little way of trying to let you in a little bit more with what my own struggles are and what has actually helped. Keep in mind this rewrite of history that I am suggesting is not a lie, but rather an uncovering of the truth.
Love you!
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