It has taken quite some time to formulate my thoughts about what Paula, from Paula’s Place, commented on my wife’s post, and then began a discussion on Crossdressers Forum, so I’m sorry for the tardiness of this post. Anyways here is what she had to say:
“…I suspect that we cross dressers are a pretty selfish self absorbed bunch…”
I believe that there is nothing about crossdressing that makes the act inherently selfish in and of itself. What I think makes many of us think that it is a selfish act is that we have many people in our lives that do not want us to crossdress. They express their desires to not have us do what we would like to do. The people that ask us to not crossdress are often the most important people in our lives, our spouses. We love, respect, and want to please these people, and yet we cannot rid ourselves of the desire to crossdress and so continue on with what many people consider to be an abomination.
It is this conflict that manifests itself as selfishness. If there were no conflict, there would be no selfishness. For example, if you told your spouse you wanted to crossdress and they said, ‘oh my god, I was so hoping you would tell me that because I always thought you would look great in my favorite little black dress,’ would it be considered selfish if you then began wearing that dress? I don’t think anybody would think that it was.
But that is generally not ever what happens when someone tells their spouse of their crossdressing desires. What I assert happens is that their spouse tells them that it is wrong and tells them they do not want them to do it. Isn’t that the beginning of the selfish blame game?
They are the ones who begin the selfishness, by telling us they do not want us to do it, and further that they will not accept us if we do it. If we tell them that we will continue we then become the selfish ones. When they tell their friends of what we are doing, their friends tell them that indeed their spouse is being very selfish in continuing to do something that they hate.
If we do not acquiesce to their demands we are labeled as selfish. Why are our desires any more selfish than their desires? Could it be because we are the ones that are doing something that is seen as aberrant?
When we say that we love someone, what does that mean? Will we only love someone as long as they will only do what we want them to do? Or do we love the actual person?
Cartoon from – Mimi and Eunice
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I can allude to a personal experience:
In attempts to understand the extent to which my husband wishes to crossdress and where I belong in all of it, he usually stonewalls or gaslights, accusing me of being crazy. In one of our conversations when we were just dating and I suspected there was something different about the guy, I told him he ought to stop swiping my undergarments. In 3 months, I found myself shopping for panties more than I had in the 30 years on this blessed Earth. He replied that he will continue to do so whether I liked it or not and nothing is to stop him.
As mentioned however, it is not the crossdressing per se, but the crossdresser.
Crossdressers are a selfish group because most women do not want to share their man with another woman. So Crossdressers better start to understand that there can only be one woman in the relationship and it’s not you.
I am curious what prompted your reply to this post. Was it a hurt in your life? Is it just trolling trans people? Hmmm….. When I wrote this post I only considered myself to be a crossdresser, but wow things have certainly changed tremendously for me. So was I selfish for exploring my gender? Was I selfish for taking the time to figure out who I am? To figure out who I have always been? Was it selfish for me to do self care and finally figure out the real reason I was often an angry asshole? These things may have appeared selfish at some point to some people but I don’t really think they were.
But then again, maybe they were, and I don’t think that it was necessarily a bad thing. I don’t know if I see selfishness as always being a bad thing. How about when a plane deploys it’s oxygen masks? You need to put yours on first and then help those around you, not the other way around. You need to be a bit self preserving to even be able to help anybody around you. It may appear as though that is an extreme comparison, but for me it is an apt example. I wasn’t truly aware in 2012 at the writing of this post, but I was dying and my relationship with my wife was nearing divorce.
It took another 5 years until I began to be extremely selfish and I started my transition. It’s been five more years since that time and in many ways I was extremely selfish over those years. But interestingly enough now I’m now longer actively trying to kill myself and my relationship with the woman I have been with since we were 14 and 15 fifteen years old has never been better. Its almost as if by allowing myself to be selfish I have saved our lives.
Oh and for the record we are both the woman in our relationship. It’s called being a lesbian.
I have been wrestling with this very concept since I came out to my wife 3 weeks ago. Am I being selfish over having freedom to be me. First off I’m 63 my wife is 47. My wife is amazing and honestly through this opening up, I now realize how much she does love me. She is the one that opened that door. She just flat out one night threw me her panties and asked me to put them on. In 63 years of life( part of that retiring from the military), I never had made a mistake. With no hesitation I slipped them on and climbed into bed. I didn’t realize the gig was up. In 7 years of being together, my wife had made some connects. Little give always I didn’t realize I was doing. For instance my daughters call me about outfits they put together for work, asking if this or that works together. They have told my wife( My kids are from another marriage) about who taught them how to do finger nails and eye make up. She just started adding things up. Bang! Bang! she just thought this up and gave me her panties. I slip them on and slid in bed. Of course I was excited. To be in bed with the women I love. Getting ready to make love in a way I have always dreamed of. How long have you been a crossdresser? I just heard the words I never wanted to hear. I could have died right there. I was on the spot. I never have lied to my wife. Up to that date, I had not crossdressed in 7 years. Absolute truth. Amazing how you can control yourself with proper motivation. I did learn that early on in my military days. I love her that much. I could stay that focused on her that I would have never picked dressing up again, but here was the question and now I have to give an answer. I told her off and on since I was 8 or 9 years old. We never got around to making love that night. Instead the most amazing person in my life snuggled up with me and we talked until daylight. She now knows that it is not as simple as crossdressing, but I am more like gender fluid( yes I have considered transitioning more times than I can count). Unbelievable she was ready for that. If you have been watching the news, then you are aware of what is going on in the transgendered world. I guess she has been watching my reactions to all this press( if I could tell the young transgendered community anything, slow down. The world is not yet ready for us. They have to do all their stupid science to prove we exist, what idiots) ( Let us phase slowly into the world. It’s better than forcing it). Back to my wife now lol. Yes she put it all together and I guess educated herself before starting the dialog. For 3 weeks now we have been talking and learning. Setting boundaries. Some have already disappeared. In educating herself on me lol she has found unexpected things about herself. She loves me in panties for sure. We have gone shopping at Victoria secret 3 times now. Dang she already had other ideas and I must admit right here and now I am loving the freedom to show her my true self. Over the past few weeks she even has asked if I would wear panties all the time unless situations demand otherwise. Of course the girl in me went through the roof and said yes. A couple days ago she asked me about wearing corsets and high heels. God I’m in such trouble lol. It is like she sees inside my head. We ordered corsets together. I mean some really beautiful corsets. I know there will be people reading this and saying this is my fantasy. No I assure you this is so real I still am trying to get a grip. My wife likes the idea of a female lead relationship. She gave me some things to read and asked me what I thought. Straight up. I said yes. I have not given up anything up as a man. My wife wants that part of me as well as the girl part. I am still rocking inside my head over how things has come about. My wife and I are taking this day to day. Learning, laughing and loving each other more and yet differently if that makes sense. Still I do ask myself am I doing this for myself. Yes my wife seems to have a good idea of all of this, but it is one thing to read, it is another to live it. Yet here I am 3 weeks and 2 days from what I call the most significant event in my life and we are still together. I thank God every day for this. I thank my wife for seeing something and doing something about it. I was to chicken to do so for myself. For the first time in my life some one else knows and didn’t freak out about it. I was lucky and hope one day that our genders will be accepted as just the norms for what is human. I just worry that I’m making this about me and she is doing this because she loves me. I do know this for sure. We are communicating on a different level now and the snuggling is the best. I would not trade these past weeks for anything. I love my life and I love my wife.
Hey, congratulations to you! It sounds as if you have found a situation that you are super happy with and I am happy for you!
I would however caution you with telling the younger generation that they need to slow down and that the world isn’t ready to accept us yet. In my opinion that is just plain wrong. The world is plenty fine to accept us now. In fact in many ways the world was more accepting of trans people a few thousand years ago. The problem has become that religions have made us be extremely selective in who we as humanity accept. It is like my mom being left handed. Her mother told her that she had to write with her right hand because left-handedness was the sign of the devil. Left handed people haven’t gotten more acceptance because the world has become a more accepting place. They gained acceptance by showing people there is nothing wrong with themselves.
So this is my point – we gain acceptance by proving we are fine, good, productive, happy, NORMAL people! We don’t gain acceptance by hiding in the shadows and waiting until people tell us it is safe to come out and play.