The heat has hit here in California and I am currently staring at a thermometer reading of 105! For the past few summers it has occurred to me that I absolutely hate guy shorts! I was explaining my issues with male shorts to my sister and she came up with the term of “shants.” I was calling them half pants, but shants has a much nicer ring to it! Thanks sis!
I think it may have been just a year ago that I decided to go with my enjoyment of female shorts and stop changing out of them every time I decided to go into town. Thus I have mentally pushed myself to just wear the clothes I am wearing, regardless of where I am going. Frequently that means, I wear females shorts, a female tank top, my female shoes, and a male hat.
This summer though I decided to include wearing a bra, just as is pictured to the left.. Why? Good question! One that I have asked myself many times since I began to do this a few days ago. I have mulled it over in my brain and with my wife, but am still unsure as to a good answer. Suffice it to say that I have been contemplating getting my body to be a bit more inline with my brain’s conception of my own gender; which if you are unclear is somewhere in between male and female.
I only know of one way to accomplish that, HRT, hormone replacement therapy. But honestly, that absolutely terrifies me. It is so permanent and while some effects would be appreciated, I don’t know that I really want all of the effects that it might bring. I mean, if you are wanting to transition, then obviously HRT would be a good avenue for you. But if you are just wanting to be somewhere more in the middle?
Okay, well that is not currently an answerable question for me. Possibly due to an extreme lack of information. For example, what would it be like to have breasts that cannot be quickly and easily removed with a simple unlatching of a bra? What would it be like to have to live with them, regardless of what I am doing and regardless of what I choose to wear?
Thus then, this summer’s experiment of wearing a bra, pretty much all of the time. I have only done it now for a few days, and I have already cheated. Because it has been terrifyingly difficult! Mentally difficult. Nothing bad has happened, but situations have been presented that have far more difficult than I thought.
It is easy to think, oh no big deal. I am already fully dressing in women’s clothes, from head to toe, what difference is a bra going to make? Many of my bras only have a small bit of padding and thus I would estimate that it appears as though I have A cup breasts. And I am suddenly acutely aware that breasts are total eye magnets! I have noticed cashiers staring openly at them as well as just random people in the stores and on the streets. And so just in the few days I have been experimenting I have come to realize that people notice; pretty much everyone notices!
Which has caused me to remove my bra twice. The first time, I took my dog on a walk and on the way back two of my female neighbors were out chatting. We all spoke on the street for a moment and I told them I would bring up my new puppy for them to see. When I came back up, I had removed my bra. The next time was this morning when again, while on my walk, I saw other neighbors, a husband and wife. I told them I would come by in a little bit and share some of my garden’s vegies. When I went over, I had removed the bra.
What does that mean then? Well if I had real breasts, then I would never be able to remove them. Kind of a permanent change huh?
Thus for now, the experiment continues.
Though it does make me wonder. Have I passed gender non-conforming? Have I passed cross dressing? Am I on to something else? Is this a new realm for me? A different path? A slide down the slippery slope?
Hmmm…..
What does it take to love yourself?
Should you change
Or should you figure out how to be happy with who you are?
Such a Rubic’s Cube problem.
BTW – Did you happen to catch the photo of me in my new bikini?
13 Comments
Would u wear girl clothes to your job? Pls don't answer if too personal.
Thanks for the question. And no, it is not too personal.
I already wear some female items to work. I have never fully dressed as a woman there though. What have I done? Female undershirts, female socks and shoes, and of course my normal fem jewelry, and nails painted.
Wig, makeup, bra? Never. Though my employer wouldn't be able to object if I did choose to do that. But I think the clientele that we serve might find it problematic and it might cause disruptions to the workplace environment which might impeed my ability to do my job. Funny enough fully transitioning may go over better than trying to present more of a middle gender presentation. It is a question that I continue to contemplate. I often wish I could answer these questions in a very definitive way; really just for my own benefits.
Does that even make any sense?
In reading over my own reply, I noticed a couple of things.
1 – I used "might" a lot.
2 – I don't know what the future will bring as I could have never predicted that I would wear what I currently do to work.
Trying to explain the middle ground of the gender binary is complicated. In the black and white world it may be easier for a civilian to accept a surgically changed TS than a CD.
I do not get out fully dressed all that often but most days will find me wearing panties and pantyhose and during the cold weather I will also wear a bra, sometimes with small forms….sometimes not, under heavier clothing. Since I present as a guy it would shock most people that I meet if they knew of my dressing practices. While I have been wearing my pantyhose for decades I have only added a bra and the occasional cami or slip in recent years. In trying to figure out why I do that the only thing I could come up with is that 'I like it' 'It feels good' 'It is affirming'.
Like you I have had my rush change moments where I had to duck away and find a way to get out of the bra. THere have even been times when I have had to get out of my pantyhose into a pair of boxers that I carry with me almost anywhere I go.
Being somewhat bi-gendered and finding our somewhat unconventional tastes in attire and presentation can be perplexing but it sure does keep things interesting.
Pat
It's an interesting post. Are you sliding down the slippery slope? Only you can answer, Nadine.
As someone who has met literally hundreds of crossdressers and many transsexuals, I really do feel that some have transitioned as a result of sliding down the slope. I really want to be careful how I address this, because I also firmly believe that everyone has their reasons and everyone is different. Nevertheless, I have seen many who have gone out in public and eventually start presenting as female full time. They have electrolysis done and start HRT (perhaps to soften the skin, offset the effects of testosterone, attain some degree of breast growth) with the idea that transitioning is not in the plans. At this point, it's my opinion (certainly non-scientific) that extended HRT can accelerate the slide down the slope. I have seen this pattern too many times now.
As for me, I have always considered myself transsexual. I rarely present as female…maybe once a year and at home. I don't have strong desires to present as female. I do have the strong desire to match my body to the mind. THEN, I'll worry about presenting as female. For now, I keep active, exercise, stay tight with my trans friends, read books almost exclusively written by women, and try to bury the strong urge to transition in favor of keeping the family together. I always turn down the invitations to go out, en femme, because I do think it could cause me to slide down the slope.
Nadine, thanks for a post that really made me think about myself and others. I featured this on T-Central.
Calie
It is for sure interesting Pat! And it is totally complicated. I often wonder what so cis gender people spend their days thinking about? It couldn't possibly be like me who ponders their gender daily.
Calie-
Thanks for the feature on T-Central. I appreciate that.
Your comments have really made me think. My experience with others in my position is very limited, while yours appears to be quite extensive. While I can see that some ofthe effects of HRT could be very beneficial to me, having it cause me to transition instead of me solely choosing to transition would not be good. Does that make sense?
I really appreciate your perspective on this situation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Hi Nadine,
It's an interesting and important post! Please, don't get me wrong, I know there are different kinds of answers to your questions and there is nothing wrong with your considerations.
But when you begin to ask these questions and try to solve the doubts that may have emerged ( taking hormones, having breast…), maybe you are unconsciously on the path to more womanhood and why do you want to exclude your feminine potential? If you really wish a change in your world you should go on some steps further… You are womanly enough.
All the best to you, Nadine!
Hugs
Feli
Hi Feli!
Thanks for the good thoughts, the only reason I am interested in possibly excluding my feminine potential is to be able to preserve te masculinity that I currently possess. There are many aspects of being a man that I truly love and I would miss dearly, I think that NOT having breats might be one of those things.
Thanks for the thoughts sweetie!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. It's not analogous, but it does make me think about how, as a cisgender female, I sometimes put ON a bra if I'm not wearing one — not because I want to, but because I think people looking at me will be too distracted and stare too much if I don't wear one. Having a body in public bring up so many things! Gender is not one thing or another, and I am so honored to get to read your thoughts about how you strive to be who you really are. I think many of us are more "somewhere in the middle" than being hard-and-fast one definition or another. Definitions are limiting! — Jenny
Hi Jenny!
You are welcome. Thanks for reading my thoughts!
My wife used to be so concerned with not wearing a bra in public. She wouldn't even go out of the house without one. I think now I understand a bit more of why! With her though, people look regardless of if she has a bra on or not.
I think you are correct that most people are not fully one way or the other with their gender, they are more likely a mix. Definitions are very limiting and thus many people in the TG community hate them with a passion!
Thanks again for reading, and for commenting! I love hearing from my readers! 🙂
Thank you for this. It is comforting to hear some of my very private thoughts coming from someone else. The idea of HRT and transition is SCARY because it is something I can’t take off when I get uncomfortable; the relative safety of cis passing won’t be there anymore.
Yup, the idea of transition was super scary for me, way back when I wrote that post a bit more than 8 years ago. So I can for sure appreciate how scary it must be for people in a similar position. What I can say now, five to six years into my transition is that I am very happy that I took that scary leap. I wish I would have begun seeing a gender therapist way long ago though! Good luck to you!