The other day I stated to Jules “Oh yay! Finally!”
She questioned what was going on.
I responded with “I so do NOT want to put this dang bra on.”
She laughed.
And I continued “But, to drive the point home, I am going to still do it.”
This conversation is a good example of how my bra experiment is going. If you do not remember, in a previous post, I mentioned that I am trying to wear a bra while dressed as a guy. The main reason behind this is that I have been contemplating what it would be like to live my life with a body that is a bit more of a blend of the two genders. More specifically, what would it be like to live my life if I actually developed breasts.
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| What a cute bra!!! I want it!! |
I have no intentions of transitioning, or of even attempting to live more of my life dressed as a woman, but just in my mind, I see myself as a mix between the genders, and when I look at my body I do NOT see a mix of the genders. Plus Jules and I have been discussing some possible mental benefits of taking hormones. On occasion I have difficulty with feeling…. I don’t know…. satisfied??? … content??? I don’t think I am describing it well…so anywho…. some of the mental benefits of taking hormones have been the most interesting for me. Some of the body changes, I am WAY more frightened of. What exactly would my life be like if I had my own, real, actual boobs!
And after only about two weeks, I have come to the conclusion of I DO NOT want real boobs. Okay, well maybe I want real boobs, but I DO NOT want real boobs even more. Most specifically because of their permanence.
See…the thing is… that even during these two weeks, I have taken off my bra repeatedly. I have not worn it while sleeping, nor while swimming, or at the lake, or specific times, interacting with certain people. Most of those things, I don’t care about…. the one that does is me taking it off to interact with certain people. I still wore 100% female clothes, and went and interacted with them, but I personally chose to not wear the bra. (Even at an almost no padded, A cup bra, it really makes me look like I have small breasts.) And when I went and talked with acquaintances, while I felt totally fine and comfortable wearing my female, tank top, short shorts, and shoes, I did not feel comfortable looking like I had breasts.
It also made me think about work, and what would things be like at there? What I am currently doing gives me very small A cup breasts. And they are incredibly noticeable! Like all the time. Maybe if I chose to wear guy clothes it could potentially help hide it, but not by much. And when you choose to take steps to create real breasts, unless it is done surgically, you do not get to dictate the size.
So… I chose to take it off on occasion… and actual real breasts are NOT removable… therefore…. I do not want to have my own breasts. I like the freedom of being able to look like I do not have breasts or that I do have breasts, if I want to.
Sometimes it drives me bonkers thinking about this stuff so much; I often wonder what it feels like to never question your gender. But at the same time… by continually questioning myself, and experimenting here and there… I feel closer and closer to really knowing who I am and what I like.
I am enjoying the experiment.
I am enjoying the feeling of being tired of wearing a bra.
Too often in my life I feel a pulling… a tugging… a nudging… pushing me to try and be more feminine. It is like a lightly buzzing sound coming from the ceiling above your favorite warm fuzzy chair. You are all snuggled up nicely in your yummy chair and yet, there is a small annoying sounding buzz coming from somewhere hidden and try as you might you just can’t quite figure out where it is coming from and how the hell to get it to stop!
And so I come up with an experiment to try out having breasts and the current result is that I already have turned that annoying little buzz that says…hey be a bit more feminine… is now saying… hey can we please bit a bit more masculine. Thus confirming a previous theory of mine, I feel best somewhere in the middle. Too much of one or the other and it begins to bug me.
Thus… I am tired of wearing a bra… but I like being tired of wearing a bra…
Sometimes I think I am SO weird!
Love you!
Love yourselves!
Do you allow yourself the freedom to experiment and figure out who you are?
http://lightdrafter.deviantart.com/art/bra-shop-482906111
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kidicarus222/122364941
https://www.flickr.com/photos/thisparticulargreg/220942750/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/srsalme/3426442407
https://www.flickr.com/photos/danakin/5386070186
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I undrrstdnd
Thanks! 🙂
Nadine
I reread this post to see if I could understand you better on a second reading. As with so many aspects of the "WHY" of crossdressing you run into a situation where 'If you have to explain it…you can't'.
I think your best line is "I am enjoying the feeling of being tired of wearing a bra".
Our office is semi business casual. There are times when I need to wear a suit and tie but at other times I can where a button down or pullover collared golf shirt with slacks…no jeans. In the winter when I was casual or on days that I would wear a vest or sweater I would almost always wear a bra and would often bring along my 'chicken cutlet' enhancers. The bra always feels better with some form or other in the cups.
In the warmer weather when I wear a white/light dress shirt or polo/golf shirt a bra would be noticable so I do not wear one. Yesterday I wore a Hawaiian style shirt and before leaving the house I put on a bra and forms and while I think that the shirt would have kept the bra hidden it was somewhat warm and humid so I opted to remove the bra. Since I wear one at home with some frequency and even sleep in one when I choose to I did enjoy the feeling of "being tired of wearing a bra".
Therefore, at least from my point of view, your conclusion of thinking yourself as being SO weird may not hold that much water.
Pat
I totally empathise with the desire to not have to wear a bra. I had breast augmentation/chest reconstruction 6 weeks ago and have had to wear a sports bra 24/7 since.
On Monday I can go back to wearing ordinary bras which is going to be such a relief.
When I used breast forms, until hormones caused what development I had, it was nice being able to take off the bra and get rid of the breast forms at night when it was time for bed. Even when it was growth due to hormones it was the same. Right now it feels strange lying on my front because I'm not used to the pressure on them.
Enjoy being able to switch back and forth.
Hi Jenna-
Wow, big surgery huh? I hope that everything is going well for it. That can not be an easy thing. Jules just graduated from her surgeon for her broken leg and wow that was tough! Best of luck to you.
On the one hand, I am totally jealous, but on the other I could never go through with it. I will continue to enjoy moving back and forth.
Thanks! And enjoy the regular bras starting Monday! 🙂
Thanks Pat. Yeah, I agree this bit of writing felt more than a bit confusing for myself, so I can only imagine how it could have taken more than one reading to try and grasp my thoughts. Thanks for trying so hard.
And while I left the "weird" line in the post, after I wrote it, I knew that anyone existing more towards the middle of the gender spectrum would understand exactly where I am at.
Good thoughts, which are always appreciated. Thanks!
Hi Nadine,
Things have gone pretty well following the surgery. I've got to drop my son off this morning and have a couple of hours before I have to collect him so I'm going to go and see if I can find a nice new bra to wear when I ditch the sports ones this week.
I saw the pictures of Jules legs that were posted recently. I'm glad that wasn't my leg. She's one brave lady.
Sounds like you are being very thoughtful on your journey. It is always sad to read about men that move too quickly. If someone want boobs, live with them for s month or two.
I am trying to be. And really, it is very much like me to spend time exploring my options and considering things carefully before just diving in. Which is kind of odd. I push myself to go for so many things, but they are things I have thought about. Some things like HRT require a great deal of thought. Regardless of if I do it or not, thought needs to be out into both options.
Thanks for the good thoughts!
It is a conundrum. The emotional relief afforded by the hormones may be for naught versus the breasts and the bras to support them. I'm curious, with your desire to be in the gender middle, your thoughts on the loss of virility with an extended hormone regimen. Are you considering a testosterone blocker as well? I wish you well! Mary
Hi Mary-
It is a real conundrum, one that I ponder quite frequently. I think I continue to ponder it so much because there are no clear cut answers to so many of my own questions. Like exactly what you said, would any mental benefits gained by taking hormones be lost by the potential physical effects? Which ones are more important to me? That is an amazingly tough question for me!
You happen upon a huge problem I have with an extended hormone regimen, the potential negative effects on my ability to currently perform as I do in my sexual relations. I could potentially be okay with a decrease in desire, but if it would lead to loss of ability, that would not be okay!
I have not really thought about which details of HRT I would be okay with. Honestly just a bit ago when I began tinkering with this idea I really did not know much at all about this process. The more I do learn, the more I do see that it is not an all or nothing proposition. There are various shades of the process. As in taking some low dose female hormones may help me mentally but would not have the physical side effects without also using a T-blocker. I honestly do not know about the process much at all. Which has in fact had me pondering if I should see a gender therapist which would at least help educate me about my available options.
Hmmm….. Good thoughts Mary! Thanks!
Hi Nadine,
The gender therapist seems like a logical next step. Be prepared, though, to hear that hormones are a natural next step. I'm guessing your desire to become more feminine–at least emotionally–and your time spent as Nadine will point the therapist to a prescription. It may be against the forum's protocol, but a question to the group on the mental effects of hormones could be helpful. Physical changes of hormones are affected by age and genetics. I wonder about the mental. Is there a threshold below the physical manifestations that brings about the psychological changes? What are those changes like? Sorry if I'm asking too many questions. Mary
Hi Mary-
Yeah, some of my reservations about visiting with a gender therapist is their probable recommendations. Which I don't know if I really want or not.
I don't think you are asking too many questions. I really like them. They make me think. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for them though!
Good thoughts, thanks!
Hi Nadine, I commented on your most recent entry on the balance of power, but felt it would be helpful to share a thought here as well. My husband and I read your blog and as I said before, we find it helpful and comforting to see we are not alone. He is transgender, I have known for 10 years now and we have been married almost 20. It has not been easy but we are here, love each other very much and really like being together! Much like you and Jules. So often stories of couples seem to be very negative or just end and end badly. My husband lies along the gender spectrum and transitioning is not what he wants to do. Hence, the presence of folks along the spectrum. Folks like us, you, him are out there-just not enough stories. Reading your blog along with a couple others I have found have given me the courage to reach out and perhaps comfort myself, and reassure others that through this journey, there is optimism and good. I also wanted to let other spouses know they're not alone. You have a wonderful blog for folks! My husband most recently has struggled with a similar dilemma – dysphoria over aligning mentally and perhaps physically with how he feels. Not sure if I explained that right but in any case, he has decided that low dose hrt may be a reasonable option. The physical changes while they may be slight when they occur would be welcome by him but they scare me and him to some degree. That said, we have seen a doctor and spoken about our concerns, etc. I know that this may be the best option for him especially mentally. We continue to communicate and even with our fears-never perfect is it? – we are here and know we want to be here together! Anyway, I hope this helps. Helps us and your experiment is healthy and has given us insight. You too I hope!
Take care, V
Hi V!
I am so sorry that this important comment has slipped by me for this long. I really feel that this comment deserves special attention and would like to feature it as a full post. I hope that would be okay with you. If not then please let me know!
Thanks so much!
Hi Nadine, please feature as a full post. It's ok with me and I hope gives some insight and hope to you and others! Thanks, V