Since I have begun coming out to people I have observed an interesting phenomena occurring with some of them. This thing that I have observed does not take away from what I consider to be super nice responses from everyone I have ever told and I have really been touched by all of them. What I have seen is a protectiveness from them towards me. Which is also super sweet that they would care about me. But I think their caring comes out in an interesting way.
One of the early incidents that I can remember, I was in the process of telling a couple about me being transgender. I wrote the description up here. The thing I thought was interesting when they asked me about telling our other friend and stated that maybe it would not go so well.
When I did actually tell my other friend, he was totally fine with it. But he was actually worried about what would happen if I told the original couple!
The second time that I can distinctly remember is when Jules and I were recently visiting a couple we are close friends with. While there we all went out to dinner and met up with a relative of theirs. Jules and I have met all of these people many times in the past, but I am only really out to the couple. So it was kind of amusing for me when one of their relatives began questioning me about having my nails painted. I found the conversation quite entertaining and for the relative to be quite nice and understanding, but apparently the couple I was with were terrified! They were freaking out that their sister was going to become kind of unhinged and hurt me in some way.Nothing actually did happen other than she and I chatting about having my nails painted. We were at dinner and though I felt like explaining to her that I am transgender, I didn’t think that at that dinner, at that table, or at that time was appropriate. So we just chatted politely about me having my nails painted. The next day though she texted the couple and asked if I was transgender or gay. I told them to tell her that I am transgender and she replied, cool. And that was about it.
The third, and latest time has yet to be fully panned out. I was hanging out with a friend who I often hunt with. I told him that I am transgender about 6 months ago or so. He has been totally fine with it and in fact we have begun hanging out a bit more since then. I saw him just the other day and he invited me to a private shooting event at a nearby ranch where we live. But he wanted to make sure that I understood that it was a real “good ole boy” event and then stated quite bluntly that he does not know what they would do if I showed up to the event with my fingernails painted.
The thing that I think is interesting about these three examples is that these people have all said the same thing to me. They state that they are fine with what I do, but they are not sure how someone they know would react to it. And that reaction might be bad. And they don’t want me to get hurt. And…. I don’t know if this is actually nice behavior.
I suppose the reality is, that while many people, all people that I have talked to, are very nice and kind and supportive, being transgender is still, on some sort of basic prime level of existence, a very uncommon thing for most people. So while most people like to think of themselves as open minded, they often think of others as being close minded.
And there are a couple of things about that. One is that when you think other people are going to be negative about something it goes past that to watch out because that person will be negative about that. The second thing is that it suggests that maybe there is something wrong with being transgender. Like my last friend, I kind of got the impression that if I chose not to take off my polish, then I should not go to the ranch shoot.
While I appreciate those that have been very supportive of me, I have not appreciated hearing about how they view other people. But, then again, it has made me very appreciative of being transgender and mostly out to everyone, regardless of the consequences! Because only by doing so have I been able to see past what I think people will do and I get to experience what people actually do.
It is easy to be afraid.
All you have to do is nothing.
Although it is sad that is all you’ll ever have.
Too bad.
photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/psd/2086641
http://behindinfinity.deviantart.com/art/Tuxedo-Team-Thanks-You-69128856
https://www.flickr.com/photos/pictoquotes/15597360706
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Nadine my experience has been much the same as yours. We fret much more than we need to and most nice people could care less whether we are transgender or not. They just figure different strokes for different folks. I should have learnt this lesson far earlier in my life.
Ah, yes, I've experienced something like that, too. One person I am out to and who is very supportive, and who has spent time with me in my femme mode, suggested to me I might want to change when another person in their household was coming home because it might cause that person to react poorly (not necessarily with violence or anything directly aimed at me). It did feel like the first person didn't fully accept me when they said that and it rankled a bit. Still, I changed, for their sake more than mine, because, if the second person react poorly, it would likely have impacted the first person more than me. I think you are spot on in your analysis. Progress has been made, with more progress needed.
D
Thanks Joanna. I totally agree, I wish that I would have learned this lesson much earlier!
Hi Dara-
Yeah, I will end up following the person's recommendation, as it is their event and their friends, not mine. But it does bug a bit. Do I ever say to anyone, hey, you need to stop doing that around these folks as they will not accept you! Nope, never, I have never said that, and I never will!