It is so strange existing outside of the gender binary and yet it is the only thing I have ever known. I frequently wonder what life must be like for those that exist within that system. Well, I can only assume that life itself is probably essentially the same exact life that I live, only I don’t think that most people wonder if they are actually male or female.
Most of my life I present as a male, and I have the obvious physical body of a male but I frequently do many things that most other males give me that strange questioning look for. And I often feel as though I am deceiving people by presenting as a male. That somehow because of my likes and dislikes I have disqualified myself from male-hood.
Which makes me think that maybe I should live my life as a woman. I already go out frequently dressed as a woman. Heck I got to spend the last three days as a woman. Even when I was on my morning walk, fully dressed as a woman except for wearing a beanie instead of my wig, people I encountered treated me as though I was in fact a woman. Which was quite cool actually.But the problem was that I was still not all that comfortable. I have read many a post from other cross dressers who state that when they dress as a man they feel as though they are not presenting as their true selves. And then how when they dress as a woman, it is so freeing and wonderful and awesome that they can finally present as they really are.
And me? I never really feel very comfortable at all. I don’t feel comfortable while presenting as a male and I don’t feel comfortable while presenting as a female. Where exactly is my comfort level? Somewhere in the middle. That is really where I do feel the most comfortable. Presenting as a mix of gender, which is how I truly see myself, is what I am most comfortable with.
But that is so hard for others to understand. Wanting to be male, yeah, I get’cha, wanting to be female, yeah, I get’cha. Wanting to be a mix between the two, yeah, I have no idea what you mean. I really wonder if those that exist within the binary really understand how gendered our society is. I notice it everyday. Every time I listen to music. Every time I watch TV. And just about every time I speak with anyone for any real length of time. Our society is not just centered around a binary gender, the world is.
Too bad that some of us don’t fit into the expectations.
Love yourself.
Regardless of your gender.
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I completely understand what you mean Nadine and you are not alone. Becoming yourself takes a very long time and I don't think I am quite there yet but I am oh so very close now. Those of us outside of the binary have longer paths to tread because we are socialized against our own natures and then need to learn to be ourselves once we outgrow caring about what others think. So there are two phases whereas other people don't have the same challenges. I think you will find out where your comfort level lies as you go along!
Nice article !
My own theory, is that, though being a girl is exciting, it's very high maintenance. And so rather convenient to present as male too, and get out of the house in just 5 minutes. Binary means we get the best of both worlds!
You are right. I don't understand. You said, "I don't feel comfortable as a male," and "I don't feel comfortable as a female." The obvious conclusion would be that you are simply uncomfortable all the time. And yet based on your other writings and photos, it is obvious that you have a very comfortable life and that you are completely at ease with who are. So you are right, I don't understand. But then again, I don't have to. The fact that I can't wrap my mind around the complexities of who you are is neither here nor there. As long it makes sense to you and Jules that should be enough understanding.
Hi Kati-
I think you nailed it actually, I don't really feel comfortable in any mode. I frequently feel not enough of one or the other. True I do live a comfortable life and I am happy enough with the situation I have worked hard for, it is just that I wish that I felt comfortable in my own skin.
I try and pull off a look that says that I am completely comfortable and at ease with myself, but the vast majority of the time it is faking it until I make it.
Thanks for the thoughts. I do try and appreciate that I get to experience the best of both worlds, which is nice.
Hi Joanna-
Nice to hear from you. I have noticed quite the upswing in your blogging activities again. I keep pondering, it was Joanna that said she was done with the blog-o-sphere right? Yeah, but this is Joanna after all, and she has lots to say! Which I love btw!
I totally agree with growing past what others may think.
Thanks cutie!
Yes Nadine its hard for me to keep quiet in the end! lol
Presenting as a male in all I do and all I encounter means that I need to feel a reasonable comfort level as a male. I enjoy my time dressing and I recognize the strong affinity I have to dressing and the special feeling of comfort that I do feel while dressed.
I agree that those of us in the middle of the binary do get to experience the best of both worlds.
Pat
Nadine,
This surprised me, because you always look so confident and happy when dressed and with a smile like yours you can pretty much get away with anything.
Like you I constantly wonder how other men can be so confident and comfortable when I am frequently aware, particularly in the company of other males, that I am consciously acting an expected male persona. (Perhaps they're not. Perhaps everybody is acting what they think other people expect them to be. Wouldn't that be strange?)
Being Susie is liberating in that it gives me permission to express a side of myself that isn't possible in real life. But it doesn't feel any more 'natural', and it's certainly not more physically comfortable. I really don't know what being completely at ease with yourself feels like any longer. I'd love there to be a socially acceptable and relatively fluid middle ground for how you look and present without raising comment, rather than bouncing between extremes.
I too present as mostly male in most of my male, but I have just recently become aware of the fact that I am not comfortable in actually being a male. Weird, I know!
I like what you said, "I really don't know what being completely at ease with yourself feels like any longer." The only thing I would change in that statement for myself is that I don't know if I have ever felt completely at ease with myself.