What does it mean to be comfortable? I get it when you are talking about things like shoes, or clothes, or temperatures and the like, but when it comes to my gender it becomes much more difficult for me to put into words well. I write little bits and blurbs and then quickly erase them as they don’t seem to capture the essence of what I am feeling.
I have tried talking with cisgender folks about it and they really struggle to understand where I am coming from, but I have also written here many times how I feel about my gender, and the inner confusion and discomfort that I feel and occasionally I still get folks that don’t quite understand what it is that I mean.
I suppose that this stems from my observations of others, and my assumptions about how they feel. Maybe that is a mistake I am making. Maybe nobody is comfortable with who they are. Maybe everyone else on the planet questions their gender and considers transition.
Maybe, but I highly doubt it.
I read many other blogs and most of them are not transgender related and none of them ever have any discussions of questioning their gender. As well, most of the transgender blogs, and chat boards that I frequent most others state that they feel so right when they dress as the opposite gender, that they finally feel “whole.”
And for me, I don’t. I don’t feel as though all is right with the world and with myself and that I am finally able to relax and just be me. I wish that I did. I wish that when I dressed as a woman that I finally felt right. That I finally felt at peace with myself, that my outsides finally match with my insides. But I don’t.
I have mentioned before that I don’t feel comfortable presenting as either gender. And people have responded by saying that I have a comfortable life, or that I smile very nicely, or that I appear very confident, or that I have an accepting spouse, or that I get out and about all of the time. Well, yeah all of those things are true, but none of those things mean that I have arrived at some sort of comfort level with my gender.
Like I finally understand, oh I get it, I am a male, or that I dress as a woman and finally feel whole and realize, “oh holy crap, I NEED to transition.” I kind of wish that I could come to that conclusion. Because then maybe that stupid squirrel would stop running around in my head.
What would it mean to me to be comfortable? That I would not question on a daily basis whether or not I should just quit doing anything outside of the norm for my gender or if I should just transition and live life as a female. Pretty much every day of my life I go back and forth, I should just be 100% male or I should try and be as female as possible.
Back and forth, back and forth.
Back and forth.
Every single fucking day!
So how is that comfort?
Even if I live in a nice house?
Even if I smile pretty?
Even if I confidently get out and about?
It is not comfortable mulling this over and over.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things I am quite happy about with my life. I am thrilled that I have been able to achieve some sort of balance in my life. I am thrilled that I have such an awesomely accepting spouse. I am confident in my presentation, regardless of how I am dressed. I have a fine job that gives me lots of freedom in my gender expression. I have lots and lots and lots and lots.
It is still just this unending unanswerable questioning that runs around in my head that I really wish I could just figure out how to get it to shut up.
Sometimes I feel as though all I am capable of doing is placing a pacifier into its mouth for a little bit before having it spit it out and start crying again.
Sometimes I get tired of being outside my comfort zone.
Sometimes I get tired of learning.
Sometimes I get tired of growing.
Especially when sometimes it feels as though I am growing nowhere.
Love you!
Fight to love yourself!
Even if it is tiring.
Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/pictoquotes/9255435366
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/14591830606
https://www.flickr.com/photos/oklanica/7717136134
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/11131394184
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Nadine, I just wanted to let you know that there is at least one other person in this world that totally understands what you are saying. I have reached a point in my life (age?) where the thrill of dressing is gone but the need is not. I dress because I need to but when I am done dressing, I have a bit of relief but little or no joy. I long for a day when I don't have these thoughts of needing to dress and to live a boring life of a single gender person. If I had to choose, I would stay male and like you I know that changing my body to female is not the right answer. I sit and think about how I do not dislike any part of my body yet putting on a skirt and heels also feels natural and comfortable. That is until I need to go back to "the real world" and then I just would like to live a day without this constant confounding complication in my life. We need to promise each other that if one of us figures this life out, we will let the other know the answer. Best Regards, Leann
Hi Leann-
What a sweet message. Thanks for writing and reassuring me that I am not alone. It is unfortunate that you too get to experience the endless questioning, but it is comforting to know that there are more of us out there. And I agree to let you know if I ever do figure this all out!
🙂
Hi Nadine, I read your blog for quite a while but due to my poor English I never responded. I recognize your feelings very well. After years of pain and sadness I have decided to not longer switch. I'm at one point to stay a woman and becoming a woman. I wish you a lot of strength. You are a loverly person and I love to reed your blog very much.
With love and greetings Rianne from Holland
Perhaps being completely comfortable is simply a bridge too far. I am fairly certain that I will go to the grave without ever being completely comfortable with who I am. It is not a pleasant prospect, but instead a harsh reality of the path I have chosen. I wish I could tell you that isn't true for you, but I can't even though you have in place a strong support system. Perhaps we should simply revise the goal if being comfortable is unreachable. I simply don't know. You are not alone, my dear.
Nadine,
A truly brilliant post that expresses my own feelings almost exactly. I think that for me, the issue is that 55 years of being, acting, and living as a male simply trumps the 45 years of feeling female. While I might feel better when dressed and ACTING as a woman, it is no more in my comfort zone than ACTING as a man. If you or Leann can figure it out, be sure to post the answer here so we can all go sailing away to our own comfort zone.
Molly Sunday
Ouch, I've said all those things in comments to you Nadine.
I thought I was being supportive, but was actually doing the opposite instead.
Nadine
I pass along what my brother used to tell me all the time "Don't think…you're not equipped for it".
My wife tortures herself thinking of every possible potential "what if" for every situation. If she was not so focused on all the the potential bad things that could happen to me if I were out and about while dressed I could get out more often but her mind functions at multiple levels and she cannot shut off her thoughts of possible impending doom lurking around every corner. I realize that you cannot shut things out of your mind. I know that if I instructed you not to think about a "pink Elephant" for the next 30 seconds that the only thought that would stay in your mind is a picture of that elephant.
My suggestion is to stop trying to force yourself to pick. Enjoy and embrace your guy side. Have fun camping or duck hunting or wood working or whatever it is that you enjoy as a guy. Likewise find pleasure and joy as a woman. Relish the pleasure of finding the perfect comfortable heels or skirt. Compliment yourself when your makeup goes of perfect the first time. Enjoy the pleasure of your clothes and your ablitiy to see "Both Sides Now" and count your blessings that you can find peace in having the best of both worlds.
Pax
Pat
Nadine, perhaps you are absolutely perfect as you are. Perhaps you are multi sided, multitalented and multi gendered – and beautiful as such. I have successfully taught people how to quit smoking. And the most powerful part of that program was the self talk. Look in the mirror – close up and tell yourself that you love yourself simply and fully as you are. Do it often and always in the mirror. Tell yourself that you are grateful to be you, that you are perfect. I know, it sounds silly, but it is powerful. I suspect that you are exactly who you are meant to be!
Great response!