I’m SO Weird!

I’ve known this for much of my life, but I am constantly amazed at how often it is exemplified.  Thus yet again this morning I had to shake my head at myself.  Why, you ask?  Well, this morning I finally decided to wear the above shoes to work!  And I was totally freaking out about it.  Okay, well let’s dial it back a bit and give some explanation.  I wasn’t having a panic attack or anything, I was just super unsure and continued to go back and forth on if I should wear them or not.  Yesterday I had the same thoughts, and decided against it.  I have had the same thoughts for quite some time, and yet have never pulled the trigger on actually wearing them until today.

I was super unsure of my decision, but I stood up from the couch I normally sit at to put my shoes on and I stated to Jules that it was finally time and I was going to do it.  She gave me a quizzical look as I walked over to my closet.  I heard her ask “what are you going to do?” from behind me as I reached down and pulled out my super pink tennis shoes.  I showed her the shoes and tentatively announced that I would be wearing them to work today.  She kind of rolled her eyes at me, not in a condescending fashion because she couldn’t believe my audacity, but rather she couldn’t believe I was feeling weird about it.  She then stated that she thought I had already done that.

Yeah, maybe that is what some of you have already thought to yourselves as well.  But no, I had not already done that.  But for the heck of it, let’s review what about this situation makes it all a bit weird for me to be feeling concerned about wearing pink tennis shoes to work shall we?  Okay, here is the list of things I do, that are a bit atypical for my perceived gender:

– I wear my nails painted pretty much 24/7/365
– I wear mostly female clothes, consisting mostly of undershirts, jeans, and shoes
– Both ears are pierced and I wear obvious female rings on my fingers
– I carry a female phone case, wallet, and iPad cover
– I wear female smelling lotions daily
– Daily, I bring to work my two-tone pink Victoria Secret lunch cooler
– I have told several people at work I consider myself to be transgender
– I wear a lightly padded, visibly obvious, bra almost every day

I think that about covers it.

Thus, it is almost laughable that today I was worried because “Oh no, what are people going to think about my bright pink shoes!”  I mean, maybe, possibly, they might think I am a bit different.  Maybe it will be the pink shoes that shoves somebody over the edge and they will risk their careers to come hassle me over it.  Maybe this will be the thing forces my clientele to finally demand that I be replaced with someone far more competent.

Ya, right, that’s what’s going to happen.  HA!

And do you know what?  Nothing has happened.  Why would it?  Why would innocuous cute pink tennis shoes be any more blatantly gender variant than anything else I do?  I am three fourths of the way through my day and so far nobody has said anything.  My coworkers still talk to me normally, my clients still work with me.  Everything is totally fine and normal.

Now I feel like a bit of a ding-a-ling for keeping these super cute shoes in the closet for so long.  Ha! I wasn’t in the closet, but my shoes were!  So weird.

How worked up was I?  I forgot to wear my bra today.  Now I have on cute shoes, but I feel a bit naked and exposed!  OMG, I weird myself out sometimes.

Seriously, I had thoughts that one day I wouldn’t feel this way.  I could live a life where I stop restricting myself to what I think is socially acceptable and just start wearing whatever the heck I want to wear!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love awesome pink tennis shoes!