It was a simple enough confusion, one that I don’t blame my wife for making. What I had said to my wife is that so far, the absolute best thing about being on hormones now is how relaxed I feel because I decided to finally do it. She thought that maybe the drugs themselves were making me feel more relaxed, but no, that is not what I feel relaxed about.
Possibly the hormones themselves have had some relaxing effect upon me, but I don’t think so. Sure, finally being on the right hormones feels great, but the really relaxing part is no longer pondering IF I am going to go on hormones. Maybe I didn’t really know how much I have wanted to go on hormones, Maybe I just didn’t want to admit how much I wanted to go on hormones, but now I do know. This has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time.
Some part of my brain has been so occupied with whether or not I should go on hormones it has been driving me quite bonkers. It has not been a huge part of my thoughts, but one of those nagging things that just sort of sits in there and annoys you, like a splinter in your finger. Should I or shouldn’t I? That has been the question.
Years ago, I knew that was not the path for me. I knew then, and I still know now that I have no definitive plans on living full time as a woman. I suppose that some part of me had this vision in my mind of who it is that does hormones. They are the people who are intent on living as the opposite gender and doing everything they possibly could to live that way. Real life, full time experience, taking hormones, having as many surgeries as possible, they are an all inclusive package. In many ways I have seen those things as needing to go together in a single package.
Now…. now I don’t. Now I see that no one has to do all of those things, people CAN do all of those things, but people don’t HAVE to. People can do all of them, or some of them, or zero of them, and none of it is mandatory for how we are inside. There are those of us who know who we are, regardless of what we do.
For me, for now, it is good to be SO at peace with who I am.
Love you!
Love yourself!
Oh and just to clarify, I too would love if I could just take a pill and feel better. This process of mine has been, and continues to be, something that I work hard at. What I feel better about is having made the choice.
photo credit:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Assorted_Pills_3.JPG
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When I made the decision to transition I had to have an appointment with a psychiatrist before I could get a referral to my local GIC. It was part of the NHS protocol back then. One of the first questions she asked me was what surgeries and treatments I wanted to have done.
I thought it was a trick question and that if I didn't say full GCS she'd turn me away, plus I didn't know that there were options. It turned out there were, especially with regards to GCS.
From going full time to surgery took over 3 years but as I ended up discussing with my therapist, it was my journey and my time scales, everything had to fit in with the rest of my life and with my family.
I'm glad that you are happy with where you are. It's something that everybody should be able to be. Happy with who they are and the life they live.
If your on moans yet lining ft woman
Hiya – Hmm….. I don't think the whole thought came through on this one. Wanna try again? Thanks!
Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story Jenna. I agree with things fitting in with one's life and doing it on our own time scale.