Oh wow and holy crap Batman, it has been eight years since I first wrote this About page. Oh geez! A super kind reader sent me a nice little note letting me know that I should probably update it. Umm…. yeah, it certainly is about time that I do that isn’t it? Uh, yeah it is. When I wrote this page, I was in a totally different place. I am pretty sure that I wrote it when I created this blog, back in May of 2010. Wow, that was forever ago, wasn’t it? It sure feels like it to me. In many ways it was a different life. Eight and a half years can certainly change things a bit. I updated this page in December of 2013, but that was still quite a different time in my life.
I shall then attempt a review of things to give you a better idea of who I am, and who I have been, and then possibly this About page may be more accurate.
As a child I had no vocabulary for what I was experiencing and I didn’t have the clarity that some trans individuals had. All I remember was that I was super sad and I seemed to cry over everything. For most of my life I figured that I was just depressed because my family life was quite dysfunctional. Most of my needs were met, but it was a very emotionally explosive experience. Lots of anger, yelling, crying, and fighting was experienced by all. I thought it was a very average upper middle class family trying to survive the 70s and 80s. Weird times for sure.
When puberty started I became super angry. The anger I blamed on my parents. I figured that I took on the traits of what I was shown. It was also during this time that I began to be aware of a difference in me than other boys my age.
A few things:
– I discovered a love for having my fingernails painted – I was on a competitive swim team and while we all shaved for important swim meets, I appeared to enjoy the experience far more than any of the other boys who seemed to detest it- My sister had a Guess jean jacket that I stole and began wearing to school- I tried searching out info about if I was gay or not
About that last point – back in the mid to late 80s there was no internet. Weird I know, but it’s true. What there was however were things called BBSs. I think it stood for bulletin board systems, however some of you may know more accurately what they technically were. In basic terms, I used a modem to call a phone number and connect to another computer that had a file system and a basic chat type of function. On one of those sites I clearly remember chatting with someone about if I was gay or not.
The thing was that at that time, as I stated, I had no vocabulary to describe myself. All I knew was that there were two types of males – regular males, and gay males. I knew I wasn’t regular so I figured that I must be gay. I chatted with someone who asked me if I ever stared at the crotches of my fellow male students and pictured erect penises. Oh good god how I freaked out about that. Um, no, I never stared at the crotches of my fellow male students. Female students yes, male no. Imagining penises, ahck, no! Vaginas, yes!
Unfortunately this left me super confused. I knew I was different, but I knew that I wasn’t gay. One can’t really be gay if they aren’t actually into men right? Right! It’s kind of in the definition for being a gay male right? Yeah it is, and that just isn’t me. Some may think that I was so terrified of being gay that I stuffed it down and hid it from everybody and myself right? Not really – I had plenty of opportunities to freely explore males sexually, and I never wanted to, even when I knew no one would ever discover it. Even when one of them rubbed my back and told me how much he wanted me. Nope, I knew inside that I was not into males. You can think what you would like, but that is the truth, and I knew it then as assured as I know it now. I am just not into men.
Thus as I grew, I really didn’t know what I was. I knew what I liked, but I didn’t know what the evidence was pointing to. In my junior year of high school I dressed fully as a female for the first time. It was a Halloween party and I suggested to my girlfriend, now my wife, that we dress as each other. She agreed and we went for it. It was fabulous for me and I wish I could have seen then what I know now. Oh well!
About a week after this my mom had a brain aneurysm and went into a coma. I see now that it caused me to stuff things deep down inside of me. I found myself in the position of having to fend for myself for most of my needs. My mom didn’t die, but stayed in the hospital for almost an entire year. My dad continued working hard to pay the bills and had to begin arguing with insurance companies over unpaid medical bills.
I managed to make it out of high school and into college. It wasn’t until a couple of years later when my same girlfriend and I got our own apartment that my gender concerns began to come forth again. In our recollection it began fairly simply with me asking if I could wear her underwear. She agreed and we didn’t think much of it. But then I upped the ante and asked if I could wear her bra. We both laugh about it now and how ignorant we were of what was actually going on. Now we know, then we didn’t. We did however conclude that I needed to start buying my own bras and underwear.
At that point, I thought I found my label – sexual fetishist. It was pretty simple really. I’d wear some sort of lingerie and my girlfriend and I would…… well you know! This went on for quite some time. I’m not really sure how long a period it was. Maybe five to ten years. And all was well with the world. Hahahaha…
Near the end of my twenties my wife and I had a sexual experience with another couple. At some point in that evening I shared my cross gender expression with them. They were nice and accepting of it but it left a very poor taste in my mouth. Within days I decided to throw out almost all of my female clothes. Pretty much everything except for my underwear went into the dumpster. I resolved to never do it again. I’m not sure how long that lasted, but I know it was super short. Most likely it was less than a year before I had reacquired female clothes, but this time the clothes were not sexualized in nature. They were just regular clothes, except for I had purchased them in the women’s section of the store.
Around this same time I finally saw a transgender individual that I kind of identified with, Eddie Izzard. He was doing his HBO special, Dressed to Kill. Within that show he described himself as an executive transvestite. And I thought, oh wow, holy shit, that is what I am! And I replaced my label with transvestite. In fact, that is what I was calling myself in my very first few blog posts.
Things have blurred together in my memory, but I do know that mixed into this time period was when I decided to try and dress as fully as a woman as I could. I shaved my face after years of sporting facial hair. I bought my first wig and I applied makeup. The results shocked me because my very first thought was that I wanted to go out in public appearing that way. This proved to be a very difficult time for my wife and I. Prior to this my dressing had only been connected with sex. It was a clear sexual fetish and now I wanted to involve the public with it. It really confused the heck out of both of us.
While in my twenties I was fine with my dressing being a sexual thing I had begun to want to distance myself from that, as I knew there was something more going on. And in reflection, and therapy! I can now see that sexualizing my gender was a way in which it was acceptable for me to show my cross gender expression without having to accept an internal disconnect with the gender I was assigned at birth. It was fine as long as it was just a simple sexual fetish. Funny.
I’m not sure when, but I did a Google search on transvestite, and I was horrified with the results. Almost immediately I switched my label to crossdresser. It somehow seemed way less sexual and appeared to accurately describe me. I was also happy as I began to find an online community I felt comfortable with. There were other like minded individuals who I could finally communicate with and I felt as though I had finally found my people. Throughout most of this blogging time period, since 2010, I have referenced myself as, and identified as, a crossdresser.
This was all well and good until it wasn’t. So what changed things? Many different little and large events that helped me see my true reality. One of the things I began to see almost immediately was large differences between myself and others who identify as crossdressers. Many of those individuals are the same sort who I saw when I searched up transvestites. At first I was okay with that as the label of crossdresser is applied to a huge range of individuals. I am a member of the site crossdressers.com and eventually the conversations about hiding, being secretive, even with spouses, the endless ‘what color panties are you wearing’ threads, and the insistence that there is nothing connecting their dressing with their internal dressing, began to bug the absolute shit out of me!
Other events that triggered me changes in my perception of self was that I began to show my gender variation throughout my entire life. I would dress fully as a woman on the weekends and I would dress mostly as a woman the rest of the time. I still identified as a male, however the line was becoming extremely blurred. People began asking me questions and I became irritated with myself for feeling ashamed and not being willing to be honest with people. The flood gates slowly began to open and I tested the waters with slowly coming out to those around me.
This all coalesced with me starting to intensely question my gender and ponder if I actually identified as a woman. I internally explored the option of changing my hormones and pursuing transition. The idea absolutely terrified me, even though it was extremely appealing. There are those who still insist that I am gay and am too afraid to face it which is NOT the case, however it was the situation with my gender.
I thought long and hard about the hormone dilemma and chose to not go for it. The thing is that the human brain has a way of getting what it wants even if we consciously decide to do something else. Within a short period of time I had found a way, complaining about a false prostate problem, to get a prescription for Finasteride. That drug has a side effect of growing breasts with some men. Basically I figured how to change my hormone levels without having to actually go on hormone therapy. Cool plan huh? Yeah, I thought I pretty slick!
This plan worked fine until my doctor told me the drug had worked and he was going to take me off of the meds. I panicked. Seriously, sitting in his office I had my first real panic attack. I felt as though I couldn’t breath and that my life was crashing down upon me. It freaked me out. I made it out of the office and back to my car where I promptly burst into tears.
That event caused me to reevaluate everything. I promptly sought out a therapist. After some time I found a great gender specialist and I concluded that I need to finally start facing my gender variance head on. I got a doctor willing to work with gender variant individuals. Within a few short months I found myself with my first prescription for a testosterone blocker and estrogen. Though I was super afraid, I knew I needed to at least try it. Now I thank everything, big and small, but mostly myself, for finding the courage to do what I should have done so long ago.
Changing my hormones was the first real big eye opener. I could immediately tell a difference within myself. It was an odd sense of calm that slowly wrapped me up like an old well loved blanket. A few months into changing my hormones and I knew that I would never go back. Everything in my life suddenly became way more manageable. I found myself in the odd place of finally being able to control my emotions, especially the anger. Slowly I seemed to be emerging from a deep fog bank and seeing the world with fresh eyes. It was really weird. but so totally awesome!
It took about a year, and a bunch of seemingly disconnected events, but in July of this year, 2018, I legally changed my name and my gender. No, I don’t go by Nadine in real life, it is actually Kelly. In August of this year I began going to work as who I now know myself to be and life has been absolutely fabulous! I am so thrilled to be able to be where I am and to know what I know. I feel very fortunate.
Lots has changed, my wife, who was my girlfriend, is still my wife, and I am forever thankful to her for sticking by me. Our relationship is actually better than it has ever been, much to the surprise of both of us! Some things have suffered though do to these changes. One is my endurance, strength, and muscle rebound. Now duck hunting is such a hard task I just don’t know if I can go on doing it. Another thing that isn’t doing so well is my blogging! HA! It seems to be more and more sporadic these days. Which I’ve heard is common for many trans women. I think it has to do with now choosing to live our lives in real life instead of the virtual world. I appreciate all that I have learned in my time here as it was invaluable! I do intend to continue blogging, however sporadic it is.
Okie dokie! That was one hell of an update huh? Well yeah, I really do want this About page to be accurately reflective about where I am currently at. I also want to give some sort of idea as to how I wound up where I am. It’s been a journey. I wish I could see way back then what I see now, it would have made it so much easier. But it may have been less colorful!
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. Know that I love you and I hope you love yourself!
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Previous About Page Information
Around May 2010
Hi there. My name is Nadine. I am a married, 40 something male, that enjoys cross dressing. Thank you for visiting my blog. The intentions of this blog is to share what I do and try to impart my itty-bitty bits of knowledge about fashion..
There are so many different opinions about cross dressing. Even within those that share my desires,we often vary greatly in our own views about it. We tend to be on the fringes of society and we marginalize ourselves further by creating subdivisions within our own group. I think we all need to be more tolerant and open with what we do.
With that being said, you may notice that I don’t really show my face. Being as things are the way that they are, I currently can’t risk pictures that may compromise my identity. It has the unfortunate possibility of jeopardizing my employment. I don’t think there is anything that my employers could do really, but if my clientele were to be aware of my habits, that could potentially be an issue. So that’s what is up with that.
My personal variation of cross dressing:
I enjoy dressing, completely, head to toe, wig and all as a woman, and then going out in public. I also dress as a woman and just stay in. During the times that I am dressed as a guy, I have both my ears pierced. I also occasionally will have my fingernails painted. I wear women’s underwear exclusively. My eyebrows are waxed, but not too extremely; I kind of like larger brows on my face as they are not that dark. My cross dressing is also a part of my sexuality, but none of that will be discussed at this forum except to say that I am completely heterosexual. I really like women, especially my wife.
Now one thing that seems to differ from me and some other cross dressers. I like to dress as a woman, but I also like to dress as a man. I enjoy many things while dressed as a man. I like working in my woodshop, splitting wood, working in the yard, going duck hunting, water skiing, backpacking, shotgun shooting, and a whole slew of other things.
Why I do it:
Honestly I have no idea. I do not think a woman is trapped inside me. I don’t think that I should have been physically created as a girl. I have no idea if my brain chemistry is tweaked so that I feel more girl than boy. I really don’t know why. Early in my life, my sister and I used to dress up just in playing, and I really enjoyed it. I also used to have to shave my body for swimming, and I really enjoyed it. My first girlfriend painted my fingernails along with her really cute friend helping, and I really enjoyed it. There are other various little things. Does that help explain why I like it now? I’m still not really sure why I liked it then, but I know that I did. I know that I like to do it and it does not infringe upon anyone else. If you don’t like it, don’t do it.
I enjoy all comments, but if you aren’t polite, I won’t post it.
Update 12/2013
Wow it has been quite some time since I have updated this page. I recently reread it and realized that I was not showing my face when I wrote this About page but now I am. Obviously I changed my mind about not showing my face. Somewhere along the way I decided that showing my face is not nearly the risk that I once thought it was.
I am still concerned about my employment, but I think I am a little more able to handle any concerns that my employer may have and defend myself in court, if need be. I don’t really think that it would ever come to that but I think I am strong enough now to handle it if I needed to.
So yeah, for what it is worth, now you get to see my face.
